I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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