I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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