i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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