there's paper in my vomit.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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