I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she pinky promised me she was 18
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
