Screwed.edu
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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