A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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