I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
