how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
