Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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