i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
