I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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