i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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