i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
