I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
