There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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