Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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