someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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