I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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