the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And then he peed in my hair
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