The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
