Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
