dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Randomize
