we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
