You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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