i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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