am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
