Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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