just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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