Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
