So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
