I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
