when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
