so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
