I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
