You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
