I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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