Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
