video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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