I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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