2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
