Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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