dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
