I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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