she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
