I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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