Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish you could order shots online.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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