you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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