I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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