so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
