Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
