ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
